- Okay, so you'd have to say out here,
this is a place that makes perfect logical sense.
You know, where some of the very best bits
that make up the universe have come together
to add up to something else even better.
Yep, big wide open sky, plus big fat swell equals awesome.
You'd be hard pressed finding anything more straight forward
than that equation.
But that's not to say everything in life fits together
so easily or with such little confusion.
Take algebra for example.
What hairy corner of the universe did it come from?
Who lives there?
When did it first land on earth?
And on this point, I think I can speak for Egg as well.
- I'm so relieved to find that at the beginning
of our new school year to find you've lost none
of your boneheadedness when it comes to algebraic equations.
And yet all of a sudden, apart from surfing,
there was this other brilliant equation
that I totally, totally got, Which goes something like
where Lockie Leonard equals L
and where Vicki Streeton equals V.
and when you put them together,
all of a sudden you've got the X factor.
Sure, I have no idea what the X factor actually is,
but hey, whatever it is, I'm loving it
because finally, we get each other.
Like, it turns out Vicki gets a bit crazed
any time she's near a digital camera
there are, 1,437 pictures of Vicki's holiday
in the States to be looked at, one at a time.
- And this is the milkshake that I had in LA,
and there it is again.
There it is again.
And there's the empty glass once I finished.
- And at the same time,
Vicki's been getting into some of my stuff.
how good was that?
- Great, I've never seen anyone's head do that before.
- And remember my perfect Lockie and Vicki equation?
- Hi Lock and Vic.
- Hello, Vic.
- It wasn't just me,
it seemed like everybody was pulling us together.
- Hi Lock and Vic.
- Hello Lock and Vic.
- Hi Lock and Vic.
- You're complaining about being hooked up
with Vicki Streeton?
- No, I love being hooked up with Vicki Streeton.
I never want to be unhooked from Vicki Streeton.
- So, your point is?
- It's just yesterday we were Lockie Leonard
and Vicki Streeton, like we had our own names,
and there were two of us.
- And?
- Well, now it's like there's only one of us, Lock and Vic.
Like we're stuck together with glue, you know?
- You just said how much you love being stuck on Vicki.
- Yeah, but last time I checked there were two of us
in this equation and now I don't know where we are anymore.
I don't know if we're a two
or a one plus one that equals two.
Am I a variable or a coefficient?
I don't know, maybe we're a simultaneous equation.
- Lockie, stop doing math analogies.
You know I can't follow them.
- That's the problem, neither can I.
Lockie and Vicki together, the perfect equation.
Except, as Old Squasher will tell you,
Ain algebra, if anyone can get it wrong, it'd be me.
Day three of the new school year and Mum's in a flap.
- You can't go yet, Sarge,
I haven't made Lockie and Phillip's lunches yet.
- Well, you'd better get a wriggle on it, Joy,
look at the time.
- Well, you could possibly give me a hand.
- I certainly can.
Phillip, hurry up, Lockie, we're outta here in five.
- There's a commission note that has to go back,
perhaps you could sign that for me?
- This one here?
- Yeah.
- I can do that.
- While you're at it, maybe run an iron
over Lockie's sports uniform at the same time.
- Wait a minute, so you want me to sign the permission note
and iron the shirt at the same time?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Could you run me through that again
cause if I'm signing the note and ironing, I can't.
- Sarge, go and see if the front door's working, would you?
- Yeah, right you are.
- Better get a wriggle on, Mum.
I'm to be at school in time
for Old Squash's third day math test.
- Old Squash's third day math test?
We haven't studied, we haven't even read the books.
It's gonna be disaster.
Yes, you're burning up.
I don't think you should go to school today.
- I'm fine, Mum, I'm looking forward to the math test.
I'm quietly confident.
- Aren't you brave, isn't he brave?
But you listen to me.
I bow to nobody in my admiration
of your mathematical abilities, but your brother
has been through this before you and can tell you
that Old Squash's math tests bring nothing but pain
and humiliation to this family.
- But Mum, that was Lockie and he's, you know, hopeless.
- Since Egg's Mum moved to Scandinavia indefinitely,
Rev was trying to put on a brave face.
- Here he is.
- Good morning, Dad.
- A hearty breakfast for a growing boy.
Sit down, Jeffrey, it's nearly ready.
Now then, how about if I build us both
some bread and butter fingers?
- I'm fine, thanks Dad.
- And after school I thought we could go outside
and kick ball.
- Dad.
- Whoops, sorry, force of habit.
Get it, force of habit?
Hear that, on the Rev, hear that?
I don't know where I get that from.
- As hard as he was trying,
Rev was finding it difficult to raise a smile.
And what made it even tougher, word was out
that Rev's sermons weren't as much fun as they used to be.
- Good morning one and all, or should that be one and one?
Anyway, on a more serious note, I thought today
I'd like to talk about the gift of happiness.
- But the fact was that Rev
was losing audience share, big time.
- So hands up, can anyone here remember
what feeling happy is like?
Anyone?
- What'd you have for breakfast?
- Hey listen, Vicki and Lockie of course,
I've gotta get a new dress for my sister's engagement party.
Do you want to come and help me choose something?
Both of you, that is, obviously.
It's late night shopping tonight.
- You bet, Lockie?
- Dress shopping?
- Yeah.
Do you like this one?
What about this one?
Better than this one?
- So, which one do you like?
- Cool.
- Cool, see you at six then, Lock and Vick.
- That's what I've been trying to say to Egg.
How do you get around to being Lock and Vic, one word,
and manage to stay Lockie Leonard and Vicki Streeton
all at the same time?
I mean, Mum and Sarge.
There must have been a time before they were Mum and Sarge
when they were, I don't know, Joy and Constable Leonard.
- Wow, so long ago I can barely remember.
- BC.
- Before children.
- I mean it's only natural that as a couple
you've grown closer together over time.
- Which isn't to say we're not free to pursue
our own separate interests.
- No, Sarge still has his poetry.
- And Joy still has her.
- Household appliances and the children of course.
And all that anxiety.
- Old Squash meanwhile, was only interested
in one thing: causing misery.
- Mr. Squash, I'm Phillip Leonard.
I'm very much looking forward to working with you this year.
- Did you say Leonard?
- I believe you know my brother, Lockie.
- I've heard the rumours there was another.
Why me, have I done something incredibly wicked in the past?
- So much about you, Mr. Squasher from Lockie.
- Why yes, Leonard, I don't see why things can't proceed
exactly as last year with your illustrious brother,
beginning with my mind-numbingly
challenging third day math test.
- Great!
- Meanwhile, Mum was determined
not to let Squash's math test disgrace the Leonard name
for a second year running.
- It must be here somewhere below.
Lockie would have had Old Squash's math test
at this time last year, so all I have to do
is find Lockie's test and we will have all of the questions.
A couple of the answers.
Sometimes, Blob, I even myself.
Zero out of 25.
An abysmal result, come and see me, Mr. Squash.
That's okay, Blob, I'll just have to.
Question one, there's an X,
a little two, and some Ys.
This little question?
All of the questions?
Now, I'll just have to work out the answers.
What is a quadratic equation, anyway?
Answers, my god to find it.
Here's the pancakes, Blob.
Shh, not cheating, definitely not cheating,
just handing him some very small pieces of paper.
Just act natural, Blob.
We just have to find Philip, hand him the lunchbox,
and then skedaddle.
With a bit of luck,
no one will even notice that we've been here.
Blob, Phillip, 12 o'clock.
Phillip.
- Mum, what are you doing here?
- You forgot your lunch box.
- What?
- Phillip, yes you did.
- Mum, I think you'll find I didn't.
- Phillip, stop arguing with me and take the jolly lunchbox.
- I'll take that, Mrs. Leonard.
Enter.
I don't approve of lunchboxes in the torture pit.
I mean, examination room.
- Well then, I shall save this for another day.
- Quite certainly.
Until we meet again, Mrs. Leonard.
- Hey Lockie, and obviously Vicki.
Big, big favour to ask the both of you, together.
Are you doing anything around six o'clock tonight?
- Actually we are.
- Cause my doing evening service and it would be great
if we could guarantee a few bums on pews
cause quite frankly, the numbers are way down.
- Yeah sure, but would Vicki and I
really make that much of a difference?
- You'd like triple the number of people
I expect to find there, which is basically just me.
- Well look, in that case.
- Sure, count us both in.
- Cool, thanks.
- Yep, it was official,
Vicki and I were stuck together with glue.
- Sasha's dress is this way at six o'clock.
We said we'd both go.
- The Rev's service is this way.
- We'll we're joined at the hip now so we can't do both.
- It's like we're in this math equation,
we need to factor us.
- Hello Lock and Vic.
- Hi.
Lockie, don't try and do math analogies.
You know you don't understand them.
- What a pleasant surprise.
What brings you to the station, Joy?
- Actually, Mum was here
because he was still annoyed with Old Squasher,
but Sarge didn't need to know that.
- Why am I here, why?
Because I've asked you 100 times wipe your feet
before you come into the house.
Don't tread all that dirt through every time you come home.
Do I make myself clear?
- Point taken.
Is there anything else?
- No, no I think that was everything.
Hello Snowy, everything all right?
Come Leonard, admitting defeat already?
You disappoint me, you've another 20 minutes
in which to fail even more abysmally.
- Finished, sir.
- Finished, you mean finished what little you understood?
- Finished everything, sir.
Unless you've got some extra brainteasers for me
to fill up the time.
You can make them a little trickier, if you want to.
- Okay, update.
Now it seemed me and Vicki's X factor,
it equaled tense and awkward and well, not happy.
So, what will it be, Psycho Tomatoes of the Corn Four?
- Again?
- Well, we have a bit of time to kill before,
you know, six o'clock.
- So when six o'clock comes, what will we do?
You know, then?
- Go to the church?
I mean it's really important, you know, for Egg.
- I know, but dress shopping is important too for Sasha.
- We can't be everywhere at the same time.
- Joy, I think a certain young couple would benefit
from our years of experience
as a highly successful partnership.
- You take Lockie to the yard,
I'll take Vicki to the kitchen.
- I'll do the man to man thing.
- I'll do the girl talk.
- Let's do it.
What you have to understand Lockie is a man goes through
life with pretty much the same easy going
frame of mind day after day.
Nothing much unsettles him, nor does it have to.
Call it a flat line, if you will.
Not so with women.
Let's say I'd forgotten to wipe my shoes when I came home
on the front door mat, I'm home,
and say I'd forgotten day after day after day, as you do.
The day will surely dawn when pretty much out of nowhere,
your Mum will suddenly go into a frenzy.
It didn't yesterday, it may not tomorrow, but it does today.
Hard to fathom?
Trust me, Lockie, it happens.
- Wow.
- The problem is, Vicki, poor men, they can only think
of one thing at a time, I mean, can you imagine?
- No, wow.
- Supposing you were cooking dinner and the phone rang
and you were forced to decide do I keep cooking dinner
or do I answer the phone?
Cooking, phone, cooking, phone, what's it to be?
Fact is, asking a man to multi-task is pointless.
- By the same token, there will be days when
for no apparent reason, your Mum will start picking on you
for silly, trivial, meaningless little things.
I call these days Picking on Men for Trivial or PMT.
- Wow.
- Wow indeed, Lockie, wow indeed.
- A man needs simple goals
if he's to have any sense of achievement.
If you get him to think of more than one thing at once,
he just may lose all of them.
- So my advice.
Take it on the chin, tomorrow is another day, flat line.
- Hey.
- Even after Mum and Sarge's advice, hi there,
our problem still wasn't solved.
Okay, so is it gonna be Egg or Sasha.
- Maybe we could try and do both.
- How's that gonna work?
Have Sasha try on a dress in the church?
- Don't get so bamboozled all the time.
What are you doing?
- Sorry, it's just this whole Lock and Vic equation thing.
It's making me dizzy.
- Sorry, I didn't know we had an equation.
- Yeah, you know, our X factor.
L plus V used to equal good, right?
I mean, better than good, but now it's as if
everyone thinks we're the same person and it doesn't add up.
I mean, how can X equal two things at the same time?
- But Lockie, it can.
- Really, it can?
- Everybody knows that an equation
can have more than one solution.
- And finally, we knew what to do.
Vicki helped Sasha find her perfect dress
and I helped Egg get his bums on pews.
Well, two of them.
- Good evening one and all.
Should that be one on one?
- Which meant that at breakfast the next morning,
Rev's sad food started to look a little chirpier.
And even Old Squasher was happy.
- My career, I did hope that this day might come.
Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine
there could actually be someone such as this.
- But more than anything else, Vicki and I
were happy again because we worked out that we were happy
being together.
- Hey, I might go.
- Okay, see you.
But it was okay to do things on our own, too.
And so as it turns out, surfing wasn't the only equation
I could figure out.
Not that I was about to give Phillip a run for his money
and ace one of Old Squash's tests,
but I guess some things in the universe,
like second year algebra, they can remain a mystery,
possibly forever, but right now out here
I was pretty happy with the way things were adding up.